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| ♠ Thursday, December 22, 2022 |
yeah... (// nsfw implication) 10:34 MST
...maybe try to Not wear an o-ring choker with your lolita coord? please? did you even think about what you were doing?| ♠ Tuesday, November 15, 2022 |
my eyes are burning! (mtmte discussion, there are no spoilers) 14:29 MST
I set unrealistic expectiations for myself. A notable example of this is that I decided that I needed to know absolutely fucking everything there is to know about the comic series where the current name of my site (lost light dot neocities dot org) comes from: The Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye.This is not necessarily a bad thing. I am allowed to want to know everything about a fictional work. It's not creepy, or morally incorrect, or a violation of anyone's boundaries. However, it does put me through a great deal of pain, because this means that I have waited at least four months since I finished reading the series to start reading the sequel (Lost Light). I made this stupid rule that I had to read the wiki page for every single issue of mtmte before proceeding to ensure that I really understood every plot detail, no matter how significant, so that I wouldn't misunderstand anything in the future.
I can say that I definitely feel much better about the series, since I didn't really understand the metafictional bomb or everything with getaway and I now do. But the main part of my mission was failed. I decided to do this stupid activity because I didn't understand anything that was in the little author's note section of the last issue. I still do not understand any of it. I am now torn, because I technically (by my own standards) have the freedom to start lost light, but i don't want to because I think I'm still missing something. Maybe it was just the wording? Or maybe I really am actually missing something? I don't know.
The other thing that makes me hesitant to start it is my other current very prominent interest, which is tmnt. I'm currently watching both tmnt 2012 and rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles at the same time, and I wanted to start watching 2003 because I own half of season 1 on dvd. However, if I start reading lost light, it will throw everything else I have to do off course. And I also might be tortured with the thought of it if I do end up going inpatient because I wouldn't have a way to read it. So I'm probably going to wait.
Fun fact: I have another stupid rule for rottmnt, which is that I had to start 2012 before finishing the series to a) prevent me from finishing it too fast, b) prevent me from being disappointed by another series and having no new content I love to retreat to, and c) expand my knowledge so that I could be in the fandom without being confused or being attacked with spoilers. (Saying "be in the fandom" is a bit misleading, because I don't post on social media or even like posts most of the time, so I'm not really "a part" of it as much as I am stalking it.)
| ♠ Sunday, November 06, 2022 |
(tw // suicide/drugs mention, mental hospitals) he wears a dracula costume and punches clowns. who cares? 16:44 MST
i have no ideas for a post intro. so i'm going to skip it, and move straight into saying that i believe i may try to convince my mother and my school admins to let me go to the mental hospital. i'm nonfunctional to the point that i've been going to school for less than four hours a week, and i still don't have the energy to do work of any kind, so it should be easy! super duper easy. except for the fact that they probably will not listen.i'm skeptical that they'll let me go because of the little tiny details known as "i do not surrently have an active suicide plan" and "i am not addicted to any drugs". which are both wonderful, marvelous, spectacular things - i do not want to die! i don't depend on things that can kill me to get me through the day! - but they are the two supershortcuts to getting yourself help. if you have one or both of those things, you're very likely to actually be taken serously. but if you do not, then you basically get no help at all, which means that i will probably have to plead for hours and hours if i want them to even consider it.
you could make the argument that they'd ignore me because i don't have a good reason to go to the mental hospital, and that i only want to do it as an excuse to get out of shoool, but that is where you would be wrong. i really do truly believe that going there would help me to some degree. i really need some sort of stability right now. i need people to talk to. i need, even just for a moment, to have a place that i can actually breathe. right now, my current life of failing to get out of bed every morning and being too terrified to go to school when i can is just not working.
it is killing me. i can't even drop out because i'd have nowhere else to go. once again, i have no motivation to do anything at all, and that includes my own personal projects - most other people that have dropped out in "situations like mine" have started a youtube channel or something to make money, according to my therapist, and it's going well for them. but i can't do that, because i'm scared to even post anything on my private snapchat story with seven people on it. i can't talk to people. i can't make content. i can't make music. i am too tired for all of that. it's not an option. i'm hoping that going inpatient will give me at least a little tiny bit of fuel to keep going, even if i have to end up going back, and even if the motivation i gain only lasts a few days or weeks. because then, at that point, i will have actually done something.
i don't know when i'll be posting again. hopefully soon, but i have no idea. i really only made this post because i haven't said anything online in like a week and a half or something, and i haven't said anything on social media in even longer. i know no one notices or cares, but really, i made this post for myself because i'm sick of thinking about it all.
| ♠ Wednesday, October 26, 2022 |
where is mrs. m? 11:15 MST
she's gone.mrs. m is my case manager, for my iep stuff. i've been gone from school for a little while (i think it's been like a month, with a few exceptions, the most recent of which being sometime before my birthday 12 days ago) and i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing right now. which means that i have to ask her. but she is not in the resource room and i don't know when she's coming back. oh well. i realized that i forgot to log into a game i play last night to get my daily login, and i don't want to lose my login streak, so i'm trying to do it with my phone's data. it's taking an eternity to load. will it load before mrs. m becomes a real human being? who knows. (update: it never loaded... maybe i'll try again during lunch.)
i bought this really pretty corset off ebay with my birthday money. it was just over $97, which is more than i have ever spent on one clothing item with my own money (and almost the most i've spent on anything with my own money, but the mcr tickets have it beat by aroud $500), but i'm certain it was worth it. it was made by xtrax and it's somewhere around 20 years old. i wasn't going to buy it at first, but i couldn't get the thought of it out of my head. it's like it's bewitched or something. made just to lure me in. it's coming in the mail this afternoon, and i'll post pictures of it, just as long as everyone promises to not steal it from me. :) i'd use my old camera to take pictures since i finally got a memory stick for it, but the camera itself is broken and i have to find a new one online at some point, so i'll just use my flip phone. maybe i'll ask for a replacement for christmas.
| ♠ Wednesday, October 12, 2022 |
deleting shit 09:25 MST
i deleted a few entries. not because my opinions are bad, but because they were really fucking long, and people don't like reading long entries! also, i have terrible opinions. i didn't delete them forever cause i like reading really long things i write several years after i write them.the mcr concert that i went to on the 30th was life-changing in the worst way imaginable. i refuse to elaborate.
my site is still not done because i'm still having a lot of sleep problems and my depression is pulling me into the void again. that, and i really fucking hated the background, so now i've got to make a new one. but even when i get the graphics sorted out, i'll still have to reformat all the pages, so i'm far from finished.
| ♠ Wednesday, September 14, 2022 |
my brain is currently corroding 11:36 MST
i have to write some junk related to galileo and god and stuff for history. it's going well. maybe my insistence on carrying around a bible as a non-religious person is paying off. /jheliocentrism has nothing to do with trying to kill god i swear
also, my birthday is in exactly one month. i still don't know how to feel about the fact that i am turning sixteen.
| ♠ Sunday, September 11, 2022 |
wow holy shit i am feeling awful 04:02 MST
you know how i said i hoped i wouldn't get sick again? probably not. no one reads my posts anymore.however..... i got fucking sick again! and it's terrible! and it's why i have not touched my website. and why i'm not posting, or online, or going to school, or doing literally anything other than sleeping too much and playing scribblenauts unlimited on my 3ds and watching my current comfort show (which i will not disclose).
life is swell! cause i am going to fail highschool! and i am doomed to a life of isolation! and so many other things that i cannot list!
let's face it, though - i have nothing to do other than complain.
farewell. until next time.
| ♠ Friday, September 2, 2022 |
the sun is shining upon us all 09:36 MST
i am having a lovely time at school today. i spent my entire first, and half of my second, class period| ♠ Friday, August 26, 2022 |
uncontrollable trembling 09:36 MST
i've known that i'm mildly allergic to most energy drinks for a while now. but for some reason, i keep drinking them. i have much better things to consume - and even the option of consuming things that taste just as terrible and just as much like battery acid (see: zero sugar dreamworld coke) but i refuse. why, you may ask? i have to follow the culture of scene kids. it's the law.i don't drink monster anymore though, and that makes me feel far worse than the rockstars do.
also, i don't understand how it's been a whole month since i've updated my blog. sorry about that.
| ♠ Tuesday, July 26, 2022 |
smoking things you found on the ground may be socially unacceptable but i'm going to keep doing it 12:11 MST
i got kind of very drunk last night for no reason. it was fun. ash and i just kind of wandered around in the outdoors for a bit.i think we may have found too many spiders.
Also, I'm sorry for kind of abandoning the site - I've been incredibly tired lately and I haven't gotten the motivation to actually polish things up around here, and get started on the important stuff (like the locked pages, most specifically the "about me" page and the music page). I didn't forget about it! This also applies to my lovely friends over on SpaceHey.... I've been trying to reply to your stuff to compensate for my lack of content, but I don't know if anyone really cares either way.
| ♠ Wednesday, July 13, 2022 |
transformers armada for ps2 is awful 23:02 MST
every time i venture into a part of the transformers franchise that is uncharted to my brain, i find that it is just as awful as everything else. at least i am not disappointed, because i didn't really have high expectations for any of it in the first place. the show this game is based on is pretty bad too. to top it off, i am using hot shot instead of the other two options that are slightly kind of better - red alert and optimus - just to make the whole experience even worse, if that was even possible.on a completely different note, though, i get to see my therapist tomorrow after around a month of not seeing her. my goal was to get some of my online credit recovery done before my next session - but oh, what's that? i didn't do any of it because i have been incredibly mentally unwell? well shit. i don't really think she'll mind...
| ♠ Friday, July 08, 2022 |
wearing black in the sun 19:44 MST
it doesn't *really* make that much of a difference."but it's science!" no. fuck science. you are a victim of brainwashing. the church spreads this "fact" to push their agenda on the science-pandering liberals.
it doesn't do anything, they just don't want "children of satan" littering their streets. it's a method of purging the goths from their lands.
go terrorize your local walmart in an all black getup today.
footnote: this is satire. however, i must raise the question: does wearing all black really make your physical temperature increase a notable amount?
| ♠ Tuesday, June 14, 2022 |
my night so far 01:067 MST
wanted to take a nap at 8 because i was tired. fell asleep face down on my floor listening to my steotw by motionless in white cd. woke up three times, and was very confused. woke up the final time after having a somewhat terrifying dream about my abuser. went on tumblr for like ten minutes. watched youtube videos. scrolled through social media while laying on my floor for an hour and a half because i felt inferior to the whole universe which is also why my pfp is no longer my face. screamed into a blanket. thought about being autistic while getting water from the bathroom sink. ate fruity pebbles. and finally, posted whatever the hell this is.what will i do next? who knows. maybe i will shower. maybe i will do something interesting. but for now, please just take this. you do not get context as to why it exists.
| ♠ Friday, May 27, 2022 |
literally fucking nothing bro 17:21 MST
i am in such a good mood today.
that's all.
have some nice music.
| ♠ Thursday, May 26, 2022 |
surprisingly productive 04:10 MST
hey! whoa! all of the pages have a layout now! that is great. i have achieved something.
however, i am really fucking tired.
today was my first day of "summer break", except i'm still not really out of school because i'm going in for the optional in-person credit recovery thing that starts on tuesday. i slept in until like noon, and then stayed in bed for an extra 4 hours. it was great.
on another (not-so-good) note.... why does my tap water taste like fucking soap again????
| ♠ Monday, May 23, 2022 |
...but who is going to stop me 10:17 MST
if you answered "no one", you would be correct! you get ten points.
this post is sponsored by the "i hate glueing model kits but this man's ego isn't the only thing about him that's falling apart" gang
| ♠ Saturday, May 21, 2022 |
very tired 02:15 MST
it's been a while since i've updated anything. sheesh... sorry... i am a mess.
if you're reading this... you'll see that i got my layout imported onto this page! it was super tedious, because i needed to update every single one of the entry date box things manually, and the breaks weren't displaying the same as they were on the other page because of the text size and stuff.
i'm not sure how to feel about the dark blue in the entry titles or the amount of white. but i won't be messing with it right now. i'm supposed to be in bed - i have to be up at 7, my dad is taking me to a toy show and i have to be ready by 08:45. and since i have to shower, i'm looking at a good 4-ish hours of sleep.
i will manage! i promised. if i fail, then my sister gets to nag me about melatonin for the rest of eternity. and i don't want that to happen.
sleep medication is my worst nightmare...
| ♠ Tuesday, May 10, 2022 |
i fucking killed mcafee 11:53 MST
I entirely deleted it from my Windows XP laptop. "How does one do such wizardry?" you may ask - but I will never tell. My CPU is grateful.
fwahaha.
| ♠ Saturday, May 7, 2022 |
that heart in a blender song 18:29 MST
I feel like I come across as an elitist in this one discord server that I'm in. I'm not - I'm just overenthusiastic, and I hardly get a chance to discuss everything about certain topics with other people who are somewhat familiar with it. However, I don't think that they pick up on this, because they keep conversations with me very short, even if I attempt to continue them.
I hate being autistic.
"fuck putting my heart in the blender, i'm putting my phone in there instead"
| ♠ Thursday, May 5, 2022 |
friend dynamic: 2 people that are each other's hallucination 22:17 MST
would you say that it breaks the laws of the universe? are we just folie à deux by fall out boy? are we actually just really mentally ill and desperate? who knows.
| ♠ Wednesday, May 4, 2022 |
Dreams are really fucking weird. 23:19 MST
You know how in those lucid dream guides, it always tells you to do certain things so that you can do those things in your dreams and then realize consciously that you're dreaming? Like, for example, looking down at your hands and counting your fingers?
Not that I was trying to lucid dream by any means, but I found myself in a dream earlier looking down at a phone. I remember very clearly and consciously realizing that I was asleep. I literally fucking said, "I am in a dream. Now that I've realized this... can I control it?"
I could not.
Very unfortunate.
| ♠ Tuesday, May 3, 2022 |
heavy 14:47 MST
and all tied off in lace
i pray, i beg for anything
to hit me in the face
and this sickness isn't me
NOTICE: Misery Made Me by Silverstein comes out in THREE DAYS!!!! It's gonna be good. You should check it out.
I shouldn't be promoting it, because their show in Denver (co-headlining with The Amity Affliction, another band I really like) is sixteen fucking plus and a month before I turn such… and I took it as a personal attack. In celebration, I chucked my TAA shirt and my prerelease copy of Discovering The Waterfront in the trash.
(...i retrieved them a few seconds afterwards. don't fret.)
—--------
sigh.
all i feel like doing right now is digging my fingers into my keyboard and forcefully stripping away the layers. i'm tired, and i don't feel right in any capacity. however, i will not be doing that, because that is an expensive mistake that i can't afford to make.
speaking of computers, i'm actually getting one! a brand new laptop all to myself. not a super great one - but not awful either. i'm not trying to emulate botw for the wii u on it or anything. this is the first time i will ever own a brand new computer, and i'm really fucking excited. people in my friends list may have gotten the hint that i got my mom's old windows xp laptop working - i can use spacehey on it, just as long as i'm not on a page with embedded youtube videos… or heavy animation.
i will admit that i checked out kitty's profile on there. it was the most gif-loaded page i could think of off the top of my head, and it fully loaded! slash might be proud to know that. but i didn't ask (sorry).
my mom already picked up my new computer, and i get to set it up and stuff after i meet my new therapist. i'm being picked up from school fifteen minutes early (15 minutes from the time i'm writing this - it's 14:15 MST now) because the office is a bit far. i'm really hoping it goes well. i found out from my mom that she's the same person who designed the art therapy program at the group i used to go to when i was in third grade. so that's cool.
as for other updates, i can't really think of much. i've just been flopping around and pretending that nothing is real. and thinking about ash's musical talent. what is with you people? i told you to friend them… and hardly anyone has! who wouldn't want to have them in their friends list?? /nf
| ♠ Thursday, April 28, 2022 |
i got my braces off after 2 years 13:35 MST
my cousin warned me it would feel a bit weird, because "you forget how much room is supposed to be in your mouth". my teeth are... really fucking smooth, to say the least. food tastes a whole lot better, and even just the fact that my mouth isn't being caught on things all the time is a huge sensory relief.
the process of sanding the glue off was actual sensory HELL though - i tried pinching a bit of the skin on my hand so that i would have something to focus on other than my discomfort. it didn't really work.
also, i've noticed that singing is different. i've been chewing gum, and i've been mildly congested, so it's a little harder anyway... it might be better if i got some water or something. but i'll have to adjust to things as far as that goes.
| ♠ Monday, April 25, 2022 |
roller skating 03:41 MST
I have sustained an (insignificant in the long run?) wrist injury. It's not broken, but it hurt like hell at first and it's been reduced to small jabs every time I move my hand.
To say I was upset about it is an understatement. I spent roughly half an hour sobbing in my bed before I decided it would be a good idea to tell my mom. I wasn't necessarily crying about the pain - i think it's more of an ego thing.
The thought of me being seriously injured or even weak at all due to some physical thing is an embarassment. I hate getting colds. When I had my UTI I had to be held at gunpoint to utter a word to anyone about it. I choose to not mention my period to anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. When I'm sore, or out of breath, I choose to act as if I am completely unbothered. So trying to tell my mother that I probably really fucking hurt myself while STANDING IN PLACE felt shameful and dehumanizing. One of the worst parts was that if it was broken, not only would it be hard to type and shower and put on clothing, but then I could also no longer say that I had never broken any bones.
That is not to say that I don't enjoy other kinds of injury. For example, my splint is pretty damn cool. I self harm, I laugh over stubbing my toe or getting up too fast or hitting my knee on something, and the wall nail incident at Ash's party a few years ago was exhilarating. Getting stitches was the most fun thing in the world and I watched them stitch up my torn lobe piercing through the front camera of an iPod Touch (the a1509 model - a 5th generation without a back camera) at like the age of ten. At that point, it's stupid and reckless and insignificant, so I don't really care about how other people see it.
I've come to the conclusion that I should start asking myself why that is before I end up actually fucking dying. One obvious pattern I've noticed is my fondness for things that help me heal - like cough medicine (albeit that's more of the taste), bandaids, gauze wraps, my fucking splint, etc. Not for the sympathy, either... it just makes me feel more strong and mysterious. It's weird.
| ♠ Thursday, April 21, 2022 |
coding 14:41 MST
I'm currently very absorbed in fucking with Wheeljack's Lab, also known as the page i'm testing stuff on. Very absorbed.
I should really clean off my desk. I'm going to get back into this when I get home, and I don't want to have to do it while sitting on my floor. Even though I put my computer on an ottoman, so that I don't have to hunch over... it's harder to use my tv as a second monitor and have it in my line of sight. My legs also tend to hate me when I try to stand.
On a good note... I've almost figured out tables.
| ♠ Tuesday, April 19, 2022 |
I am apologizing to all vegans. 00:46 MST
i absolutely fucking LOVE beef. yes, i know that the planet is dying and stuff... and that cattle have a mildly significant role in that.
BUT.
beef is the one type of meat that doesn't ever trigger my sensory issues by itself. i have never gotten tired of eating it. it has a nice flavor, it's versatile, and it's incredibly difficult to make it dry - unlike chicken, which is absolutely awful when cooked by anyone other than a professional. (an exaggeration, i know - but it's how it feels most of the time.)
one of my most favorite things about beef is one of the things that everyone hates. which is the fat. as hard as i try to keep fat off of my own body (through unhealthy means), i will probably never turn down eating it. it has so much flavor and i could fucking swear to god that they would use it in ace conversion therapy or something.
i am actually attracted to this stuff. it's just... so fucking good. yum.