You have found my Blog.
Short note: My usage of capitalization varies between entries. If that bothers you... sorry, I suppose. also hovering over bold words reveals more text.
> archives.
| ♠ Sunday, March 9, 2025 |
"is there anything in this life but grief?" 03:17 MST
i don't know why i feel like i'm right about at least half of it all. it feels like madness, prowling the stairwells with my ears perked, waiting for the next thing to self-fulfill. humans make me feel like a joke. i don't want to harbor anything destructively negative inside me like i have been, but how could i not? i spend years forgiving and using all of my extra effort to connect and it gets me nowhere. i feel like the universe's punching bag at this point. but it's stopped throwing punches, it started throwing shit like eggs and tomatoes, which i LOVE but are splattered in my hair and wrinkles and nail beds. every day i feel less and less of the details of the pain but see more of the holes it leaves. people like addi. or lydia or jamal or honestly even tommy. i miss people like that. one day i want to be up on a stage for the people like them that will exist. however i don't think i should have really cared as much as i did with certain people. not because they doesn't deserve it or anything stupid like that but because i kept trying to show them that i cared about them when they made how they felt clear. i feel like my friendships have been a lie. when does love stop hurting? when does love stop being fear? no matter how many times i try to do anything good it doesn't amount to much and it doesn't stick. i feel like a burden in a way i didn't really know was possible. it doesn't matter how i outlet my emotions or how i even feel. i'm not part of whatever everyone else has going on. i will never be treated the same or smiled at by someone who hasn't felt massive amounts of pain. i need to start carrying around more kandi for the people i meet out there that don't suck. maybe singlets with little bows,,,, something removed from me that they can never trace back to where it came from. not a friendship or something with a cost to them but an example that someone actually wants other people to be happy. the seemingly easiest way to deal with the dread is to be as much of a shell when i die as possible so that the world around me is more full. like the water in between the granules of sand at the beach. i want my whole existence to be a lingering note of some oddly specific incense and a slightly cleaner table. nothing much.| ♠ Saturday, October 12, 2024 |
*sneeze* 00:38 MST
nyeghhhhh!sorry about the absences. i think about this place nearly every day of my life. i've just had no insides to write. my brain has been so, so tired. at least i haven't become a meth addict because of it.
since i've basically abandoned this place, i don't even feel obligated to tell you everything you've missed. cause it hasn't been much! i've still got no job, and i've still got my lovely
as a matter of fact, it's been so long that i'm turning eighteen in two days. daunting! maybe i am ready - i just vacuumed my floor, and half of my life is dishes, and i think i am becoming less depressed. not out of the blue or because weed is a miracle cure, but because every day i spent in bed doing nothing is a day i spent untangling the threads of my brain. i refuse to stop trying to heal, even if my sleep schedule is shit and i barely do my hobbies anymore. love has given me the energy to at least get out of bed. love for my partner and art and friends and belongings and dreams. i want specific things like that to be more important in my future. i almost feel like adulthood is my first proper chance to live and i would like to make the most of it.
also, while i was gone, i realized the hard way that my room is super important to me. i've basically moved rooms two times in the past year (i started sleeping in my partner's room, and then we moved his room downstairs) and i haven't felt a stable connection to the place i sleep in ages. i can't handle blank walls. i can't handle the lack of stuff. i can't handle the lack of sense of self. i was able to remedy it by just spending a shitload of time organizing my dolls. i. have. so. many. dolls! i just wish i had someplace to display my stuffies again.
| ♠ Sunday, April 28, 2024 |
woter 21:29 MST
| ♠ Thursday, April 25, 2024 |
death . 10:56 MST
hey!i've been very absent. i hate doing these, but i am going to do a lazy recap post of the last like two months or whatever.
thing number one: i lost an organ
whoops! that sounds dramatic. all that happened was i got appendicitis, and vomited for like twelve hours, and literally almost threw up drinking a tiny cup of contrast fluid. and then went into surgery and spent the night at the hospital and felt very alone and ate a single banana and more strawberry jello than i've had in the past five years. i am now fine and i am capable of jumping out of bed in two seconds again.
thing number two: i am codependent
just kidding. i am not. i am just still in a relationship somehow. and it's nice to be cared about and go to bed happy and kiss someone all over their ears. i mean what?
thing number three: my friend is in my walls dawg
no really. she lives in my house. we go to the park together. hi, sky!!!
other than that, i have been unsuccessful at getting reemployed. and i pretty much spend my days thinking about yogurt bowls and clothing while playing genshin. i should actually do something for once.
| ♠ Friday, February 2, 2024 |
pink and frilly 14:51 MST
hiii!sorry i was gone for so long again. i am very unproductive. but i implemented a new site theme and i think it's cute, it uses august maiden's ginger cookie house print as the background :) i personally think it works for valentine's because it's just christmas for girls, aesthetically speaking.
i've been trying to get my room clean. it's difficult. i got a new shelf to put by the door, and reorganizing all the tiny shit inside the very flammable cabinet takes a lot of energy. so i'm not done even after like three days or so. whoops. still no pictures yet.
i moved all of last year's entries to the archives. turns out i didn't post very much, lol.