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Short note: My usage of capitalization varies between entries. If that bothers you... sorry, I suppose. also hovering over bold words reveals more text.
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| ♠Sunday, June 14, 2026 |
oh my god quick post something please 21:43 MST
yeah yeah yeah. i am UNMOTIVATED. i want to do NOTHING. you have no idea how much i just want to make literally fUckInG aNytHinG. i found a bunch of bones the last time i left the house not in a car and they're all clean and useable but i'm just staring. at. them. !!!!! . i haven't posted anything on here in like nearly a fucking year but i never stopped writing. i just wish i had something to show??!?!?!? like i CAN do a lot. i DO a lot. probably like 80 dishes a week. i bake and cook and clean and shit. but i don't even want to shower because half of my shower time is cleaning up after other people so i can actually sit. yes i sit in the shower, fuck you. i want to spend all my "stuck-time" reading but i still feel like that's a waste of time because it cannot be sold and everyone just uses ai for everything so i don't even need to know anything anymore as a societal expectation. literally the same teachers that were telling you "you won't have a calculator in your pocket your whole life!" are now failing their students for actually doing work themselves instead of asking a fucking ai to do it. but i still want to read forever and know everything and make shit myself and i fucking hate ai so keep it away from me. i don't really like societal expectations because the people demanding them are hypocritical.i find it so difficult even now to grasp how frivalous people are about everything. buy everything throw away everything spend more money get a new one; WHY???? my mentality is "blegh i don't want to fix my socks" and someone will ask me why i have not bought more? i rarely have to fix my socks. it costs me nothing to fix my socks and then i get to keep my socks. they're not special, i just USE THEM! and if they're prone to breaking, i need to know how to maintenance it! "welp this sleeve is coming apart i need a new shirt my favorite bag is breaking i have to chuck it out" well is your phone dead too, and you need a new one? did your water cup empty so you threw away the glass and bought a new set? do you buy a new car when your tire pressure's low? next time i get a papercut i'm killing myself. are you people scared of WASHING THINGS???? i think so genuinely because i've met a lot of people who don't wash their special occasion clothes. did you know a lot of performance outfits (ice skating, dance, musicians, etc) aren't even meant to be washed? and they're THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS????? this is why pleather is an obvious scam... it literally says "do not wash" on some things. i hate the weird "natural fiber" people because that's ALSO just fucking marketing. "polyester bad let's THROW AWAY ALLLLL MY CLOTHES I OWN AND USE AND REPLACE THEM" no. "everything is so expensive i'm going to buy this doll and then resell it 8 months later for 2x the price because i missed rent" you are part of the issue. why do you people spend so much? why is your FIRST impulse to spend money? there are SO many things on this planet, we have an abundance of food, housing, clothing, and more, and people still refuse to improve anything because they make no money or it's not pretty. MAKE IT PRETTY. PLASTIC COMES FROM THE DIRT. SO DO DIAMONDS. AND THE DIAMONDS MADE IN LABS ARE CHEAPER THAN THE NATURAL ONES. we waste literally everything because you just want more, and more money. that comma is intentional. you want more. and you want more money. "yaaay an event let's buy an outfit" i get it but why???? what about the shit already in your closet??? oh.. there's nothing in your closet. because you threw it away. "how are you so coooooool omg i just could never wear that" that is because you are shallow and you literally care about, embody, and remember nothing. think of how full your closet would be if you kept everything you liked, fixed things that broke??? "i had to spend money because i had to replace my broken shoe" the fucking strap buckle broke REPLACE IT!!!! and then you can keep YOUR!!!! cozy shoes. you people live like you're renting being alive. you say you want to be like me and then you don't smile at the ants or drink tea you steeped too long or laugh when you drop a cup of water on the floor. you kill the ants and dump out the tea cause "it's gross" without trying or modifying it and you yell about the water and make someone else clean it up. holy hell this post sounds targeted... i swear i don't have anyone in mind. fuck i want a burger. there's a minecraft mod where you can make tofu burgers and i want to experiment with making them irl sooo bad like they're not trying to be beef they're trying to be a Tofu Burger. okay back to our regularly scheduled program. that's a lot of words for someone who doesn't want to do anything, lol. but you see why?
| ♠Wednesday, February 4, 2026 |
no title
world is still in shambles (expected nothing less). most of my life is inside. where the world has left me. do i deserve to be a part of society? do i deserve to have a job? even if i'm good at anything, or pour my soul into anything, will i be acknowledged? should i pursue anything if i have a chance of being taken advantage of? i sold my extra lol dolls for five bucks and noticed later that afternoon that the person had antique mall vendor advertisements on their seller profile. why do i try? i don't want to be affordable. i don't want to be accessible. but at the same time, there are so many people like me who depend on the few accessible and affordable places to survive [identity-wise]. my ENTIRE identity is building out of dust. so i shall pursue my passions despite the people with no soul. even if i only want to restrict my market to people i know. if i've at least met them in person, it's more of an impact than them scamming someone faceless they don't deem as "human". @~@| ♠ Thursday, July 31, 2025 |
lethargy can go eat shit i feel like goo 20:17 MST
i'm so unfulfilled. i'm still tired as hell every day no matter how much i sleep or what i eat or how consistent i am. however,, i got some scans done and my heart stuff came back normal (with the exception of a few things being upside down????). but my brain mri did not! there is some shit going on in my left pons. i have no idea what and my followup isn't for like a month. but it seems to be likely that this is the source of my lethargy, and microseizures, and probably other stuff. so that's cool! i guess! i might have an answer! *followup... nothing ever even came of this. they said it's "normal".*on another note, since i'm sick of medical shit: i want to be a lalaloopsy. i recently found candle slice o' cake at the thrift store and i can't stop thinking about her lmao. since i'm so tired, i do not dress up all the time, but around every other day or so i'll throw the whole shebang on and then end up falling asleep in it on the floor somewhere. i literally get dolled up to nap, or make my sammed which a sandwich. and that's fantastic.
last night i finally got around to giving trick-or-sweet bear a new pocket. it's been like two weeks,,,,, whoops! but now it's big enough to hold my phone and some other trinkets. and it's orange! my hand stitching is always going to be god awful to look at, but it took 2 years for the charm on my choker to fall off and i don't take that off unless i shower, so i trust the strength.
| ♠ Sunday, May 18, 2025 |
good god i need to get up off my ass and do something 01:56 MST
sitting outside. playing with the dog. i passed my last ged test two days ago so now i've earned my entire ged and i've just got to wait for the diploma to come in the mail. i had to redo my taxes tonight because my TABOR refund didn't get put in the paperwork by the program i used (whoops!). by "program" i do not mean an ai... i mean freetaxusa. :Pbut no really, i need to get off my ass and do something. i went to a show at a bar my mom's friend drums for and i felt squeamish. all i want to do is be a musician. i wanna sing. but it is So Hard To Sing when you have difficulty breathing and you're sick all the time. i'm still sick from over a week ago. the only thing i can sing is probably really old fall out boy and a bit of hot milk but it still sounds awful. i hate being congested. i don't really have incentive to not smoke weed because i felt tired and sniffly since before i ever started smoking at all. i think it's mostly because i am traumatized because it started during covid when i had to stay at home with dan all day. the sound of specific iphone alarms make my heart jump and make me want to cry (constellation). i need a job again but i'm scared i won't be able to go to work for the same reasons i can't sing and still smoke religiously. i want to sleep and actually feel rested. i may have heart problems. and i am still scared of people.
| ♠ Sunday, March 9, 2025 |
"is there anything in this life but grief?" 03:17 MST
i don't know why i feel like i'm right about at least half of it all. it feels like madness, prowling the stairwells with my ears perked, waiting for the next thing to self-fulfill. humans make me feel like a joke. i don't want to harbor anything destructively negative inside me like i have been, but how could i not? i spend years forgiving and using all of my extra effort to connect and it gets me nowhere. i feel like the universe's punching bag at this point. but it's stopped throwing punches, it started throwing shit like eggs and tomatoes, which i LOVE but are splattered in my hair and wrinkles and nail beds. every day i feel less and less of the details of the pain but see more of the holes it leaves. people like addi. or lydia or jamal or honestly even tommy. i miss people like that. one day i want to be up on a stage for the people like them that will exist. however i don't think i should have really cared as much as i did with certain people. not because they doesn't deserve it or anything stupid like that but because i kept trying to show them that i cared about them when they made how they felt clear. i feel like my friendships have been a lie. when does love stop hurting? when does love stop being fear? no matter how many times i try to do anything good it doesn't amount to much and it doesn't stick. i feel like a burden in a way i didn't really know was possible. it doesn't matter how i outlet my emotions or how i even feel. i'm not part of whatever everyone else has going on. i will never be treated the same or smiled at by someone who hasn't felt massive amounts of pain. i need to start carrying around more kandi for the people i meet out there that don't suck. maybe singlets with little bows,,,, something removed from me that they can never trace back to where it came from. not a friendship or something with a cost to them but an example that someone actually wants other people to be happy. the seemingly easiest way to deal with the dread is to be as much of a shell when i die as possible so that the world around me is more full. like the water in between the granules of sand at the beach. i want my whole existence to be a lingering note of some oddly specific incense and a slightly cleaner table. nothing much.| ♠ Saturday, October 12, 2024 |
*sneeze* 00:38 MST
nyeghhhhh!sorry about the absences. i think about this place nearly every day of my life. i've just had no insides to write. my brain has been so, so tired. at least i haven't become a meth addict because of it.
since i've basically abandoned this place, i don't even feel obligated to tell you everything you've missed. cause it hasn't been much! i've still got no job, and i've still got my lovely
as a matter of fact, it's been so long that i'm turning eighteen in two days. daunting! maybe i am ready - i just vacuumed my floor, and half of my life is dishes, and i think i am becoming less depressed. not out of the blue or because weed is a miracle cure, but because every day i spent in bed doing nothing is a day i spent untangling the threads of my brain. i refuse to stop trying to heal, even if my sleep schedule is shit and i barely do my hobbies anymore. love has given me the energy to at least get out of bed. love for my partner and art and friends and belongings and dreams. i want specific things like that to be more important in my future. i almost feel like adulthood is my first proper chance to live and i would like to make the most of it.
also, while i was gone, i realized the hard way that my room is super important to me. i've basically moved rooms two times in the past year (i started sleeping in my partner's room, and then we moved his room downstairs) and i haven't felt a stable connection to the place i sleep in ages. i can't handle blank walls. i can't handle the lack of stuff. i can't handle the lack of sense of self. i was able to remedy it by just spending a shitload of time organizing my dolls. i. have. so. many. dolls! i just wish i had someplace to display my stuffies again.
| ♠ Sunday, April 28, 2024 |
woter 21:29 MST
| ♠ Thursday, April 25, 2024 |
death . 10:56 MST
hey!i've been very absent. i hate doing these, but i am going to do a lazy recap post of the last like two months or whatever.
thing number one: i lost an organ
whoops! that sounds dramatic. all that happened was i got appendicitis, and vomited for like twelve hours, and literally almost threw up drinking a tiny cup of contrast fluid. and then went into surgery and spent the night at the hospital and felt very alone and ate a single banana and more strawberry jello than i've had in the past five years. i am now fine and i am capable of jumping out of bed in two seconds again.
thing number two: i am codependent
just kidding. i am not. i am just still in a relationship somehow. and it's nice to be cared about and go to bed happy and kiss someone all over their ears. i mean what?
thing number three: my friend is in my walls dawg
no really. she lives in my house. we go to the park together. hi, sky!!!
other than that, i have been unsuccessful at getting reemployed. and i pretty much spend my days thinking about yogurt bowls and clothing while playing genshin. i should actually do something for once.
| ♠ Friday, February 2, 2024 |
pink and frilly 14:51 MST
hiii!sorry i was gone for so long again. i am very unproductive. but i implemented a new site theme and i think it's cute, it uses august maiden's ginger cookie house print as the background :) i personally think it works for valentine's because it's just christmas for girls, aesthetically speaking.
i've been trying to get my room clean. it's difficult. i got a new shelf to put by the door, and reorganizing all the tiny shit inside the very flammable cabinet takes a lot of energy. so i'm not done even after like three days or so. whoops. still no pictures yet.
i moved all of last year's entries to the archives. turns out i didn't post very much, lol.