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| ♠ Tuesday, November 20, 2023 |
using a moral compass in the nether 03:57 MST
i feel rather corny. cheesy. the equivalent of most sparkling water, perhaps - theoretically very fun, but tastes like licking a dusty box from the attic. it's old! the things i say are things people are really, really, sick of hearing. but i will continue to say such things. i believe in the magic of friendship. that being said, this post is just a little emotionally involved and i'd stay away from it if you're here to distract yourself.i feel guilty for seeking out connection. for wanting best friends, for wanting to fall in love, for wanting to make a difference. because honestly, i am so insecure when it comes to other people, and i am so insecure when it comes to things that i want. because it's about me, it's things i care about, and stepass' entire life motto was "the world doesn't revolve around you". and it doesn't!
realistically no one actually cares about anything i say or do or think. from their eyes, i am just another person. a delusional liberal abomination of hell, in terms of both who i am and how i dress. how i dress is wrong because despite the modesty of my general attire preferences, it's still dark and flashy and evil and attention-seeking. also, i'm annoying, apparently. i have gotten that one my whole life. terrible outfits or not, people really don't fucking like me for some reason or another, and when something happens frequently enough you start to feel it (even if you don't believe it's true).
so nothing i do can change the way i feel. but i can acknowledge things. like the fact that i'm utterly nonsensical. and the fact that not everything involving others is manipulative or evil. despite my experiences, not everything has to be bad - but if there is, you've gotta confront it. even if it's just in your head. you have to see things for what they are, and if you don't you'll probably eventually end up doing it.
which is why i am not going to give up. isolating myself entirely is not going to make my life any better. it never has. plus, something i do someday could end up resulting in a positive somewhere. that's a good enough reason to try, right?
| ♠ Tuesday, November 7, 2023 |
my life is splendid! and i am happy! 23:56 MST
i tend to rearrange my room around once every two or three months. i have no idea why, maybe i just get bored with the way it looks? but i've been doing it for ages.for the past two days i have been basically nesting while high off my ass on edibles. probably inhibits my productivity levels, but it's more fun. i moved my shelf with my tv on it to the middle of my room because i couldn't really have more than one person watch anything on it with it in the old location. and i put this little tapestry thing i thrifted on my ceiling - it reminds me of hot milk, and it ties together the mood of this corner of my bedroom. i also put up my old curtains. not over my window, but behind the shelf i moved. it divides up the space a little bit.
i will be posting pictures, whenever i figure out where to put the remaining items that are on my floor.
| ♠ Sunday, November 5, 2023 |
dubiously nonsensically self-explanatory interlude 08:12 MST
i kind of feel like an urban legend. the reason? the same reason as everything else.i do not talk to anyone!
this means that i feel rather detached from everyone else. duh! but i have no idea what people think of me, unless they come up to me and directly say so. i have to resort to piecing things together from whatever situations i see online that sort of fit attributes of myself. not practical, or realistic, but i think i have already stated multiple times that i am probably nuts!
anyway, it throws me off quite a lot when people tell me that they have noticed me. i don't mean compliments, i mean "i haven't seen you in here a whole lot lately" and things along those lines. i think it bothers me so much because i can't tell if people actually notice me or if they're saying they do to try and pry a situation coin out from between my teeth.
i suppose it's probably why i don't entirely love the way the concept of socializing feels. and also why i sort of believe everyone is in a different reality cut off from my own.
| ♠ Wednesday, November 1, 2023 |
i am listening to madness by sleeping with sirens (the album) 18:27 MST
whee! post-spooky updates. it's only been like eighteen days this time!thing number one: i quit my job again. there was no crying involved this time though - just a big looooong dramatic sigh when i got in the car to leave. my next course of action will depend on whether or not the other company i applied for accepts my job application - if they don't, i will take a stab at going back to target. it wasn't actually that bad! i think my new meds will make it manageable.
thing number two: i fixed my bedroom! apparently putting a sheet on your ceiling can do wonders. i want to turn this place into my childhood box castle. that thing was so cruelly ripped from my fingers. my favorite piece of it, that HE told me "i could keep", ended up under the cat's litter box. FUCK THAT BASTARD!!! HE IS EVIL!!! but he is no longer here and he can no longer destroy anything.
thing number three: i got a playstation 3 and an xbox 360 in the mail! not sure why, but one of my grandma's friends sent us several hundreds of dollars of console shit from indiana. and now i am number one on everyone's kill list for being a lucky bastard. i have no idea where i am going to put them, since there's not any room around my desk and my other tv is quite occupied. i think i will end up connecting both to my desk tv. i *really* need to rearrange this place... and acquire a dresser.
okay. that is it for now. but i am FOR REAL going to start posting more often. i have decided that i am not actually a terrible person and i need a better outlet for this junk in my head than a twitter account with zero followers.
p. s. you people need to try this stuff.
| ♠ Friday, October 13, 2023 |
i STILL need to stop going a month without posting 03:13 MST
tomorrow is my birthday!it's not really a secret. i have it listed on my spacehey profile. but i am turning seventeen years old.
-got a job twice
-failed all my classes
-dropped out of school
-ate probably two pounds of keratin
-went to TWO (2) concerts
-solitified my rivethead status
-smoked a bunch of weed
-went on twenty bazillion medications
-went to the mental hospital
-was sad more than i was happy
-bought lolita dresses
...yeah. what a wonderful list! i failed to even make a single friend. in fact, i don't really see my only friends very often either.
in other (more current) news: i think i may be going a tad bit nuts. cause i hate my job, and i am perpetually alone, and i don't feel all that safe in my house. i am not unsafe, my oldest sister is just a pain in my ass. her friends make a mess everywhere and she makes a mess everywhere and she doesn't play with her dog or do anything for him for that matter so he gets aggressively restless. and my room is so dirty and cluttered - it'll be better today when i take the extra boxes out. but that doesn't change the fact that my bedroom still feels terrible to be in even after the unspeakable mental hospital catalyst incident. maybe i will write about it.
| ♠ Tuesday, September 19, 2023 |
i need to stop going a month without posting 15:56 MST
hihi. i can't make this flow in any sort of way, so you get whatever this is. enjoy!| ♠ Sunday, August 27, 2023 |
this is why i never ever talk about anything 04:56 MST
i'm taking a break from my solitary wallowing to write a little bit. sort of an "i'm-not-dead" post. but also an extention of the wallowing. very much an extention of the wallowing.i hate how nothing is an investment anymore. humanity has lost the charm of sustainability. with material objects, people, hobbies - it's all just "if i get sick of it" - "if it breaks" - "if things aren't working" - "i'll throw it away and find something new". which is okay, to an extent, with some things. but if you approach everything with such a mindset, why are you even living? does anything mean something to you? you don't cherish anything.
every time i go to the thrift store i find things less than a year old on the racks. secondhand sale sites are flooded with people who bought things for the monetary value and didn't even bother to clean it. what is the POINT? why buy something and then immediately get rid of it? why make a living off of price gouging without even taking a second to wipe the dust off? why throw something away because part of a seam came undone? people would be far more respectable if anything they did had more meaning to it than one-time usage.
and with people, it's just as bad. they'll stop someone in the store not because they're actually interested, but because they need an explanation. someone's existence means nothing to them. they'll share art, not because they care about where it came from but because it fills their eyes with something for five seconds. they'll lead someone on just for bragging rights. they'll strike a conversation, go to an event, just so they can say "someone did this here" and not for the actual experience. which is why small talk makes my blood boil - you don't actually want to know. you're putting me in a box. you're marking off an achievement on your checklist. every time i go online i see gross dehumanizing shit that confirms all of it.
it's all why i haven't been posting. it's why i don't talk to people anymore. it's why i dropped out of school and quit my job and can't get out of bed for shit. it's why i don't share my art and it's why i can't finish my songs and it's why i can't put my hair up unless i'm in my bedroom. there isn't a point. and no one gets it - no one gets any of it, i don't have a way to explain it in a way that would make them. even this is so incredibly vague and brief. i spend all my time alone thinking about death or the way the world works or how alone i am and sometimes i wish i could just find another way to breathe. a way to exist around other people without feeling like i'm standing on/full of pins. some place that i don't constantly have to worry or feel exasperated or long for things i'll never have.
you don't have to remember me or the color of my hair or anything i've ever done. but out of anything you need to remember that things should not fucking be like this. if you're the only person who cares about anything you shouldn't ever fucking stop just because you don't see anyone else doing it. people who get it are the most special people you will ever meet. and don't ever let yourself get to wherever i've gone, i don't even know if anyone else is capable of such a thing but i figured i'd put it out there.
| ♠ Monday, July 24, 2023 |
quitting my job, barbie, and other woes 01:27 MST
hihi. i haven't made any updates as of late because i have been fracking exhausted. but i'm awake enough to write something up and let you guys know what's been going on.first thing: i quit my job!
yeah, i was already considering doing it, and then i woke up with this song stuck in my head, and it really gave me the motivation to tell them i was done. so i quit my job. my last five minutes on the floor were spent begging someone to "please come help me because someone broke a candle in aisle d25 and i don't know what to do with it because you people didn't train me right". so that was great.
second thing: i got sick AGAIN!
i think i have some sort of immune system problem. for the past few years all that i've done is get sick and have it ruin my life. fortunately, the only thing this illness ended was my will to live. i am still congested and it's been a week.
third thing: i got a bunch of barbies.
you thought the title was about the MOVIE? you poor thing. you are not from around here. i hate the way pop culture grabs things and mangles it into a mess of half-assed clickbait and swatches of cheap polyester doomed to the dumpster. no, this is about the fact that i got SIXTEEN BARBIES from the wardrobe in my dad's bedroom. one of them was a titan #6 head on a color magic body, and the (bald) color magic head. so that's neat, even if she has been nommed on by some unknown. will post pics l8r.
among the other barbies were:
-repro silken flame (black hair)
-repro solo in the spotlight (blonde & brunette)
-repro enchanted evening (blonde)
-millennium princess (blonde)
-35th first barbie repro (blonde & brunette)
-a bunch of holiday barbies (including the 1997 brunette with the gold insert)
fourth thing: i'm getting two dresses in the mail tomorrow!
i didn't mention this, but i had ordered shimotsuki sakuya's whisper of stars op (high waisted, in navy, with the star hem) in hopes that it would be here for the fob concert. it would have been, if not for some FUCKING ASSHOLE sending it to the wrong fucking facility and then ripping the mailer open (therefore losing the contents). it makes me so fucking angry that they managed to lose or steal a $150 dress and face no repercussions or even fucking call my mom back when she filed a complaint. the office it got sent to "on accident" (out of carelessness) had incorrect online hours, address, and phone number and we had no way of fucking getting in contact with them when they failed to operate as a post office should. so it's extra important to me that these guys arrive to me in one piece. and if they do not, which they have no reason not to, i will raise hell on the god damn postal service.
that's around it. i'll post pictures of everything tomorrow (later this calendar day, the twenty-fourth) if it comes, and hopefully i'll be back in a regular update routine sometime soon.
| ♠ Monday, July 10, 2023 |
just came back from the best event of my life 02:57 MST
i got to see fall out boy in concert today!i don't even know where to start or what to say. let's go chronologically!
1) got 3 hours of sleep.
2) went to lunch with some other fall out boy fans. they were splendid. the pizza was salty.
3) walked to the venue. waited in line. my autism failed me in the realm of sharing virtual shells. my phone was at 26% by the time we got in because nothing would fucking load.
4) ran to the pit to abandon alicia and then got water and the clandestine forever shirt.
5) couldn't fucking find the lyric shirt for half an hour and was two minutes late to daisy grenade's set.
6) had a blast. they played an unreleased song and some other songs i've grown to love.
7) got swept off my feet by royal and the serpent's stage presence. lesbians, do not go to her concerts. she sounded super rad and also played an unreleased song + i can't get high + one nation underdogs + overwhelmed + some other stuff.
8) waited for bmth. someone started a fight in the pit and argued with 5 security guards for several minutes.
9) got my shit rocked by bmth. i had to crouch and take a few breaths in between songs because i was dancing too hard. my soul left my body during die4u.
10) ran to go get water. there was no line. i metaphorically died on the concrete.
11) nearly kicked some cis dude's ass for not letting me get back to where i was because "there wasn't enough room" (he was shoving me. this dude weighed over 150 lbs more than me! i hate menaces.) douchebag made me spill a quarter of alicia's water.
12) had to take an alternate route in the pit and lost alicia. tried to find her before i lost my last 2% of battery.
13) got back to my spot and alicia dumped her water on her head instead of drinking it. what a silly!
14) had a nice chat with some lovely people and gave them bracelets. the sweetest people ever. could not have had better people around me.
15) died twenty eight times in a row. tigerstar: deluxe edition! they played bang the doldrums instead of the take over, the break's over because i found a cricket on my pillow a few days ago. medley song was golden. eight ball song was nobody puts baby in the corner. what did i do to derve this? fuck you, pete wentz.
16) didn't get one of the crowd bubbles because the crew dude ignored me when i asked for one.
17) ran to go get more water with alicia while cursing pete's name.
18) walked a few blocks to my mom's car. listened to bmth the whole way home.
19) waited for my body to stop falling apart.
there are songs i can now no longer listen to without sobbing. i have fallen in love with the sea of people. there are so many things that i cannot verbalize. i need to go take a nap, so i'm going to end it here. goodbye.
| ♠ Saturday, June 24, 2023 |
microblogging AGAIN??? 07:21 MST
i hate time. i have to wake up just before i go to work because if i don't then i will waste the morning doing nothing and dreading leaving the house. the downside to this downside of my life is that i only feel happy in the mornings but i have to kill my joy by going to bed. if i don't i'll be too tired to actually do anything. not that i hate sleeping (i love sleeping) BUT i want as much time to feel alive as i can. i wish i could just stay awake as long as i want and not have to live off alarms.| ♠ Wednesday, June 14, 2023 |
allegory 05:25 MST
i had to heat up water in the microwave for my tea because my hot water heater is garbage. i've been coughing a bunch (since i'm sick) so i couldn't just settle for lukewarm. life is miserable sometimes.speaking of misery, my closet makes me feel so empty. i can't remember the last time i wore some of the pretty stuff i have hanging up in there. obviously i can't wear it to work, but i haven't really gone anywhere lately either. i almost never see my friends, i don't go to the store, i don't visit my dad, i just wallow in my sorrows and play minecraft stoned.
which is cool. but it doesn't suffice. there isn't enough joy to properly make me feel anything. i can't even sleep in without waking in a panic because i think i'm running late.
and even though it's been a year and 3 months and 10 days, my room still feels vacant. i'm always uneasy in here, like someone is still watching, like this is not and never will be my home. i jokingly blame it on the suffocating lifeless greige of my walls, but inside i know it's more than that. there is a difference between "not right" and "wrong" - the actions - and everything seems to awkwardly cling to the former. i don't know how to fix something when there is no visible issue. the only thing i can do is wait and pray that i don't die like this.
| ♠ Thursday, June 8, 2023 |
minor irritant 11:11 MST
the one thing that kind of sucks about forums is there is always That One Guy™ that you Really dislike that has to reply to Every Single Post which means you cannot ever ever avoid them (and good luck moving to another forum for the same topic because guess what? they're On There Too! cursed forever.)| ♠ Thursday, June 1, 2023 |
microblogging is the sin of all the 'net 23:57 MST
dear fracking lord i've been dead silent on here lately and when i'm not my posts make no sense. but hey. whatever. merry gay month.as of late, work has been terribly dry and i have no inspiration to write really. which sucks, because i love using copious amounts of silly little words to document my perception of reality, but there's not a whole lot i can do to help it. i'm not sure if the clouds in my head will pass or if they will drown me.
| ♠ Saturday, May 27, 2023 |
FUBAR (!! homophobia/mental illness tw) 01:23 MST
Lately I've had a lot going through my head. I think I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my whole life. If things keep going on like this, I'm worried I'll become actively suicidal - though if I'm approved for it and my managers are alright with it, I'm going to be going inpatient sometime soon. If one or both of those requirements are not met, I will either a) live in misery, b) quit my job, or c) become increasingly incredibly self destructive until something else happens.My job. Oh boy. Lately it's been all over the news: People are pissed off about the pride merch we sell and some of it is being pulled from stores for team member safety reasons. This has impacted me personally on a severe level. I don't dress up how I'd like to for work because I'm worried about how customers will treat me. Retail workers are already seen as sub-human, and if you cross that with the view society holds towards alternative and queer people, my normal appearance would put me in literal physical danger. And it really sucks, because I love my coworkers dearly and I feel safer around them than I ever did in public school, and I would be comfortable expressing myself around them if not for everyone else.
My mental health has taken a huge toll because of all this because dressing up brings me joy. It makes me feel alive. But the fear of literally getting shot or otherwise physically attacked by people because I look like a scary satanist fag has pushed the little bit of visible identity that got past corporate's flames back into the shadows. I shouldn't have to feel this way. No one should. And if I feel this way in one of the safest states for queer people in this damn country, I can't imagine how you guys in more dangerous places feel.
| ♠ Friday, May 5, 2023 |
insides of sand 00:39 MST
my legs ache. i have no idea why, since i've been working 4.5 hour shifts all week instead of my usual 6 or 7. which is bad, because i'm making less money and i'd really like to put some back in my savings, but also good because i've been mentally exhausted with all the stuff that's been going through my head and the horrendous incident i dare not explain that involved an old person - because of course it did! old people cannot be civil!with my extra free time this week, i've been staying up super late and getting involved with art stuff again. i stopped drawing completely there for a little while because i just didn't have the time, but i've done some neat sketches and even gotten around to starting two more care bear repaints. their original eyes are of poor taste and made no fucking sense at all, and i figured i'd like them better if they looked more dreamy. i still need to clean up the lines a bit and give cheer bear eyelashes, but i've made a good bit of progress. the tenderheart bear is an image i found on ebay of their original eye style since i cannot take "before" pictures for the life of me.
hopefully today gives me a sense of detoxification since i don't have to work. and i get to go to denver for my allergy appointment followup. i always love the car ride between here and there, but i think i'd much rather ride a lightrail up, so i wouldn't feel the obligatory terror that people inflict upon others around that stretch of i-25 just south of the actual city. unfortunately our public transit is garbage and the furthest south the lightrails go is castle rock. disappointing.
| ♠ Tuesday, May 2, 2023 |
head empty frilly dresses 14:28 MST
lately i've been absorbed in the world of lolita stuff. since i think this is the first blog i've made about it, i'd like to give the obligatory disclaimer that this fashion style has nothing to do with the book, and if you'd like to be an ass and insist that it's some encouragement of pedophilia, i'm going to ask you to calmly walk in one direction until you fall off a cliff, or into the sea, or just somewhere where you can't bother me with your insecurities and projections.this week, i recieved my first piece in the mail: the sakura rabbit daily jsk by dear celine in lavender. i've been working on making a jsk, but my sewing machine is currently buried behind a mound of stuffies until my new bedding comes in the mail today. so i haven't gotten a chance to finish it, and this dress gets the honor of being the beginning. i ordered it from clobba around a month ago, but customs exist and everything so it took ages to arrive. i would've gotten the open front one but it was sold out in that colorway everywhere.
but anyway, it fits me like a glove, and it's very well constructed, and it's covered in bunnies and flowers and it's got little bows on the front. and it's incredibly soft, and it's hardly shiny despite being polyester. i even slept in it. no kidding. here's some pictures of it. and a slightly edited picture of the print so it's truer to its actual color. i also really need to steam it but haven't found the time.
if you think i'm obsessed with THAT dress, let me tell you a little story that happened last night. i was lying on my mom's bed, with a cat on my lap, and my mom had just gotten under the covers - meaning i was getting ready to leave, since she needed to sleep. i go in there to spend time with said cat while my mom brushes her teeth and stuff. but i made the mistake of going on lace market out of boredom. i had only gotten to page 2 of the new listings when my heart suddenly fucking froze, and i got a little case of shaking-vibrating-this-cannot-be-what-i-think-it-is disease. someone on there was selling a dress i had been dreaming about. one that i am madly in love with - for the print is adorned with tiny fairies and jewels and flowers and ribbons. catherine's tears op by krad lanrete, in blue. of course i would really prefer the lavender jsk, but the fact that ANYONE had this thing in a size that would fit me was enough reason to pull eighty five of the two hundred and twenty dollars out of the savings account i swore i would not touch. i NEVER make impulsive purchases of that scale. eighty five dollars is a lot of dollars. but nothing can separate me from anything i am madly in love with. and fun fact: it also shares its name with an episode of gundam wing.
lastly, i'd like to say that some of you people in this world are just as magical as these dresses that i am in love with. i was blessed with the experience of seeing a fellow lolita in the toy section of target, and they were the absolute most precious person on the planet and their smile could ignite a thousand stars.
i want to let everyone reading this know that you should let absolutely nothing stop you from chasing those warm fuzzy feelings certain things bring you. if you're not hurting anyone and you feel alive doing something, you should absolutely disregard everyone who tries to stop you because "people shouldn't act like that". society enjoys suffocating people and turning them into drones. do not become a drone. do not let your soul die.
| ♠ Tuesday, April 18, 2023 |
there is a damn good reason i refuse to talk to anyone at all 22:09 MST
People have got to stop being fucking stupid. They won't, ever, and saying so won't make anything any better - Humanity is a lost cause. We will all die before something gets better. And unlike the previous case of statements below from earlier, I do actually mean it, seriously.Today's advice: If someone is talking about ONE THING, and you're trying to discredit them by bringing up SOMETHING IRRELEVANT, and then you get defensive when the person draws it back to the ORIGINAL STATEMENT, maybe you're just trying to be a fucking problem. And if you're doing this on forums, the ONE somewhat constructed place left online, maybe you should go back to Twitter.
So as a general blanket statement: DON'T BE A CUNT! It won't get you anywhere. And if you're a cunt and you're reading my page, I'd suggest you fuck off. We will not get along.
crying 15:11 MST
My sister is a BASTARD.Obviously, I say this rather jokingly. She is splendid. However, I was sitting in my mom's office ranting on about a possible brushable queen haven leak and her pandora station started playing a Meteora 20 song. I haven't taken the time to actually sit down and listen to any of the newly released demos, but I recognized the instrumental and I was like, "wait, isn't this Cumulus?"
The answer is yes. They released a version of Cumulus with FUCKING VOCALS and my bastard sister didn't tell me about it despite my obsession with old LPU instrumentals. And Cumulus is one of my FAVORITES - along with Rhinocerous, and Pepper, and Soundtrack.
| ♠ Monday, April 3, 2023 |
MY ABSENCE HAS FINALLY ENDED! 14:25 MST
Hey there!It's been a while.
And by a while, I mean a fucking eternity. The last time I posted a blog was on January 31 (on the ponies page), and the last time I updated the site at all was on February 7th. I have been completely silent on here for over two whole damn months.
So why exactly have I been gone? The simplest way to put it is that my entire life decided to shift itself around and now things are completely different from how they used to be. This entry is going to be a little long.
Thing number one: I quit school.
Not really "quit", per se, just switched over to homeschooling, and then proceeded to not actually pursue school at home. I'll get around to it, but right now I just need to adjust to not forcing myself to go to a place I detest, full of people who hate me, five days out of the seven that I'm given every week.
Trying to get to school was a fucking nightmare. It's been like that for nearly two years, but the reason I say I "quit" is because I finaly hit a breaking point. I messed up a project I was working on, and I was so uncomfortable being visibly upset around the people in my class that I had to leave. I got home and realized that I should never have to feel that way. I should NEVER have to feel like I can't even sit in the same room as my peers without wanting to drown myself. I missed over a week of school after that, and finally told my mom to disenroll me. It wasn't worth my time, and it also didn't help that my assistant dean was unpleasant to say the least and told me I just "needed to try harder".
Thing number two: I got a job at Target immediately after disenrolling.
"But Rhachel! If you're so mentally unwell that you can't get to school, or even get out of bed, then why on earth would you apply for a job, and willingly work FULL-TIME HOURS?"
Good question! The answer is not very simple. However, it is easy to explain!
My issue with going to school was that I was already really behind on my work, because I had gotten sick multiple times at the beggining of several semesters. Missing work was stressful. And on top of that, they were assigning me more fucking work that I also had to learn, but couldn't because I didn't know the previous material that I had missed. And on top of that, I was being harassed every single day by people I didn't even know. People would laugh at me, and take pictures of me, and overall do all of that terrible teenager bullying stuff. Which, all together, lead me to be too tired to even get out of bed in the mornings because I was quite literally too anxious and depressed.
However, work is different. I get to choose the earliest and latest times I want to stay there. My coworkers are lovely, and friendly, and don't hate me for being a little odd. I don't have tasks that pile up and carry over to the next day. And I don't have any useless fucking homework. Really, I think the only negatives are that I don't really have weekends open anymore, and for some reason I have to stock the laundry/cleaning aisles often - which for those who don't know, I am allergic to artificial fragrance and it makes me quite sniffly. It also causes somewhat major sensory issues, and I wanted to detach my hand when it got covered in eucalyptus peppermint Clorox spray. It made me sneeze in the break room. In front of several people, but at least they didn't care.
Naturally, since all that stuff has happened, I've had to start adjusting to it. Mainly the fact that I now actually have money to spend on things I enjoy, but also how I manage my free time and also the fact that I can't do my fancy makeup every day. I have quite a lot of projects to get to, like fixing the cut up hem on a dress I thrifted, and patching up a hole on lotsa heart. But for now, I think my first task is gonna be cleaning up my room, since I need to vacuum and put some random stuff away.
And find a place for all these damn Transformers that have invaded my precious desk space. I like them there, but every time I need to unplug my laptop, I have to move like six of them, since they spend all their time standing on top of it. One of them is Cybertron Sideways, who I finally acquired after searching for ages.
| ♠ Monday, January 23, 2023 |
I only care about my computer. 13:19 MST
Today is no longer wistful. It is fury. It's a streak of rage in those cloudy yet bright skies. Someone pissed me off during lunch. They sat down and leaned backwards, nearly crushing my computer (and me) and apparently couldn't hear me telling him to pay attention. He only looked behind him when i shoved him forward so he didn't break anything. He didn't even apologize.This dumbass also caused me to almost lose Light Heart's hat. I usually look back at where I was sitting to make sure I didn't drop anything, but I hated being in his presence so much that I didn't even bother. In the commotion, her hat came off and it was left behind. I had to leave class to go find it, and I got back just as the bell rang. At least I wasn't late.
big puffy jackets with fur lined hoods 11:03 MST
today has been a little odd. i had a chance to empty my mind last night. there's been a lot in there, mostly because of these weird dreams i've been having for the past little while, and the fact that i haven't really seen someone this year.i don't think it's healthy for me to percieve death as i do. in this moment. as of late. it's all because of the aforementioned weird dreams. they feel so true to nightmares, yet they nestle into my mind like an afternoon nap. i don't wake up scared. they pull me back for moments in the day, but they don't leave my heart confused and alone. i think something is finally trying to make sense in my head, but doesn't know how to explain itself - it's something inate, waiting to warm, waiting to sweep over my being.
but it's snowing. the little flakes melt and refreeze on my eyelashes on my way inside, just to melt again before i look in the mirror. my hands threaten to bleed from dry cracks in my knuckles. i wasn't expecting the weather, but i'm still fairly warm. light heart looks better suited for the flurries than i do.
light heart, in the hat and coat of the g1 baby pony wear outfit "snow angels". it's not just a metaphor. it really is snowing outside.
| ♠ Thursday, January 19, 2023 |
the matters of my afternoons and a few other things 14:16 MST
i don't know where all my time goes.this is an (unfortunately common) realization that strikes most people with adhd. you get up, you do your morning-y stuff, and then the rest of the day is a blur of routine. or usually, cause sometimes you find yourself with extra days.
for me, those extra days are the weekend and any day i get off of school. and also my afternoons. i spend all day doing.... wait, what exactly? i literally do not know what i do all day. i guess i spend some time online, but really, the rest of my time just gets sucked into a hole. i can sit and be doing nothing, and still find myself not too long later untangling thread in front of my sewing machine for a whole hour past my bedtime. how did i get here? why is this taking me so long?
i spend a REALLY long time on things when i get wrapped up in the mood. i believe this is known as hyperfocus - and it is a symptom of adhd, and an absolute pain in my ass. i think it affects me more than i realize. everything does.
the institute i went to for getting my diagnoses messing up my testing horrendously made me incredibly insecure in myself. i started second guessing EVERYTHING about the way i behave. but no matter how hard i try to find some other explanation for it all, i still end up coming back to the same conclusion that i did initially. the same one that i've always had. everyone around me has always been able to tell that i'm "not normal" even if i feel completely normal. so fuck you, "doctor" w, for being blind and stupid, and making me feel really, really awful. and also for wasting my time.
anyway. to try getting more done, i've been recording some stuff every afternoon on my new camera that i got for christmas every afternoon. nothing too long, just 4-6 minutes of clearing the cobwebs from my head. i would write a blog or something, but that requires a little more effort. maybe i'll get there eventually.
| ♠ Wednesday, January 18, 2023 |
you cannot select text in the modern era 17:40 MST
i think my computer is being wonky again. it sometimes likes to forget to disable the touchscreen when i have it closed and connected to my tv, which i use as a monitor. and it starts clicking about sporatically. it made posting the last entry a bit difficult. but i think it stopped now, maybe.exhausted and a little tad bit angry 12:32 MST
today has been shit. pretty ironic, since the new fall out boy song came out today, and i woke up feeling awake and alive and well-rested for the first time in months.this post is going to be a lot of complaining. if you don't like that, don't read it! cool? ok. thanks for understanding.
the problem today, as always, lies in the misery and fucking agony that is my shitty fucking school, and all of the people in it. i'm surprised i haven't given in to switching to homeschooling yet.
forst off, my foot fell asleep during lunch. i was tucked away in a little nook between a trophy case and a raise in the wall. it's cozy. one of my favorite favorite places to sit. i used to sit there sometimes before i was even enrolled here, back when i had to wait for my sister every day after school. it was neat. but today, someone decided to lean their bag up against my feet. i can't fucking fathom why. they could've put it anywhere else. but no, you've gotta violate people's space. unfortunately, because i was kind of surrounded by people, i couldn't move my feet anywhere. it was fucking awful. i felt a little wobbly on my way to class, like someone reattached my leg at the wrong angle.
the second matter i'd like to complain about is the fucking nic fiends that have infested every corner of this place. i have no hard feelings against you lot. i have had my fair share of electronic death juice. it's just that i'm more of a cigar guy. that, and the fact that you seem to have the WORST FUCKING FLAVORS KNOWN TO MAN.
you have turned the bathroom into a tutti frutti stew. a swirling void of acidic regurgitated smoothies. it's honestly fucking vile. i have tried some of your awful fruit vapes before - and believe me, you would be better off choosing ANY OTHER AVAILABLE FUCKING FLAVOR. you could always get like. mint or something. or even one of the good fruit flavors. just not the awful ones. please.
another thing of note is my woodworking class. god, i fucking hate it more than anything. it's my least favorite class by far. not because of what we do, or the teacher, or anything like that - but because of the fucking degenerates that sit at my table. it's literally unbearable. it's so bad that i might actually request a seat change, which is something i Never Ever Do. Ever. i will sit next to anyone. i don't care if you are loud or if i hate you or if you're just really fucking odd. but the two things that i cannot stand are 1) people who smell really really bad, and 2) people who are bigoted asshats with no life direction. the people at my table fall under the second category, and they call me "ma'am" and "she" at every given turn. sheesh. they would call me slurs if given the chance.
and finally....
it's fucking snowing.
not a big deal. i love snow. it's pretty. it tastes good. the air is cold, everything glitters, the night sky in the city glows from the light bouncing off the clouds. many things are wonderful about snow. but it's instantly dampened by school. when you mix snow and school, you get people who can't fucking drive. you get slush everywhere. the entry becomes a swamp of soggy carpets because no one can knock the snow off their feet. there was a literal mound of it on the floor in the first set of doors. i feel bad for whoever had to clean that up. and the stairs. are so SLICK. good luck going down them without getting bodyslammed by someone who doesn't feel like using the handrail and is also coincidentally not paying attention because their phone is super duper important. please don't be one of those people. i want everyone to make it to the end of the day alive.
| ♠ Friday, January 06, 2023 |
test blog that almost turned into dying 12:55 MST
let's test this out. i am going to fucking RAMBLE in this little blog. i am going to spew a bunch of bullshit, 'cause this wasn't supposed to be a REAL fucking blog, but now it is I guess, so it really honestly does not matter.Currently, at this very moment, i am listening to The Void by System Syn, It's a neat fucking song. I love the album it's on as well - End - and I've got a little kandi singlet on my right arm whenever I go out that bears its title.
I was writing a little bit at the start of class. Not much. Just some stuff that popped into my head on the way here from lunch. It's kind of dreary. Since I'm super uber ultra fucking depressed and running on my shitty 75mg or something of venlafaxine and a few sips of fruit punch rockstar and longing, I'm a bunch of glittery stars bound together with twine and shitty packing tape. You know when you unroll a bunch of packing tape, and then you put it on a box, and then you take it off cause it got fucked up, and there's a little bit of soft cardboard fiber stuck to it and only half of it is sticky and it folds super nice when you wad it into a ball that tries to collape? That stuff. Yeah.
I think I should stop. This is long enough.